Putting the Ass in Assignment
by Joe Fenton
Summary: A Ranma 1/2 - Harry Potter crossover. Seems the Japanese Ministry has some trouble - some rogue animagi and wizards are doing magic in front of the muggles. Better send someone to put a stop to that. Can't have muggles thinking magic is real.


A Ranma 1/2 / Harry Potter cross over. A PG rating for language and situations.

This story and a few others can be found on my web page at  
  
jlfenton65@yahoo.com

Ranma 1/2 is a trademark of Viz Communications, Inc. and was created by Rumiko Takahashi.  
Harry Potter is the property of Warner Brothers and J. K. Rowling.  
This story is of my own derivation and is not intended for commercial purposes, so please don't sue me.

My thanks to Josh Temple for pre-reading this story.

Author's Notes: This story takes place at the end of "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets." It is after Harry defeats the bad guy, but before everyone returns home... say, the last two pages. In the Ranma time line, it is shortly after the end of the manga. When there is a discrepancy, the continuity follows the HP books, not the movies.

Putting the "Ass" in Assignment

by Joe Fenton

It was a dull, gray Friday at number 4, Privet Drive. The house appeared much the same as many others on Privet Drive, with their well-groomed lawns and well-maintained flower gardens. The Dursleys had just sat down for dinner as Dudley whined about the small size of his portions.

But none of that had any bearing on this story.

Rather, _our_ story started, say, two hundred miles west of Little Whinging, a little outside the village of Ottery St. Catchpole. The house here was _anything_ but normal. It appeared to have been built in successive additions to the original structure, none of which exactly matched the original house, giving it a crooked appearance that left one scratching their head at how the bloody thing remained standing. Top all of that with a red roof and four or five chimneys and you have "The Burrow" as the Weasleys liked to call their domicile.

Mrs. Weasley looked at the clock and sighed. The clock had one arm and no numbers. Rather, it had things like _Time to make tea_, or _Time to feed the chickens_ written around the edge. Well, _normally_ it had such things written around the edge; due to a prank by Fred and George before leaving for Hogwarts, it now had such things as _Time to flush the crapper_, and _Time to hide Percy's prefect badge_. She had reverted the clock back to normal no less than a dozen times since then, but it always changed back after a week or two.

The fireplace flared behind her and she turned to welcome her husband home. She took in the slumped shoulders instantly. "Tough day at the Ministry, Dearest?"

Arthur Weasley brushed soot from his long green robes. Molly grabbed the brush she kept handy for just such a purpose and helped clean the soot from his robes.

He sat at one of the kitchen chairs. "They finally found a way to punish me for the flying car incident."

Molly frowned. "I thought that had already been dealt with."

Arthur nodded. "Officially. Unofficially, they were still waiting for something to come along that was appropriately unpleasant to serve to remind me of all the embarrassment I caused the department."

She gave him a worried look. "It's nothing _too_ dangerous, is it?"

He shook his head. "More tedious and complicated than dangerous." He pulled her close and gave her a little hug. "It seems the Japanese have some trouble they tried to nip in the bud. Some rot about unregistered animagi, and wizards and witches running around using minor magic in front of muggles."

Mrs. Weasley looked appropriately shocked. "Heavens!"

Mr. Weasley nodded. "Yes, a real mess it seems. The Japanese Ministry of Magic has sent several wizards and witches in to deal with the situation, but they all either left the country after resigning, or returned without any memory of having gone." He looked up at the clock. _Time to wind the muggle watch_. He started, then pulled an old-fashioned pocket watch from his robes and started winding it. 'Dead useful, that change to the clock,' he thought to himself. 'I'll have to remember to thank the twins.'

Mrs. Weasley followed his glance to the clock and frowned. She still hadn't thought of a way to punish the twins for that.

Arthur put the watch away with a nod. "The Japanese Minister of Magic made a general appeal for help in the matter. Cornelius took one look at the request and accepted it on my behalf." He frowned. "I imagine they think that either I'll resign like some of the others, or I'll have been suitably punished. Either case suits them just fine."

Molly thought furiously. "Dear, if it's not really dangerous, perhaps you can take some help with you."

He thought about it briefly, then nodded. "Perhaps, but who'd be daft enough to volunteer for something like this?"

She smiled sweetly. "Oh, maybe a couple of fourth-year students who still haven't been punished for certain actions of theirs."

Arthur boggled. "Fred and George?!" He thought they had already dealt with the twins for taking the car to go after Harry last summer. What had the boys done now?

Molly nodded. "Yes. It would be a good learning experience for them." And perhaps make them think twice before bewitching any more items in her kitchen. She smiled at the thought. "So tomorrow, you pop right up to Hogwarts and fetch the twins."

He struggled to find an argument, then caved in. "Yes Dear."

****

Arthur Weasley stood before Headmaster Dumbledore's desk. "So, seeing as it's the weekend and all, I thought perhaps the boys could be excused to accompany me to Japan. Sort of a work-study program." He hoped the headmaster was buying all that. It was complete codswallop, but he wasn't about to tell the great wizard, Albus Dumbledore, that he'd kowtowed to his wife on the matter.

The pair in question spared each other a glance.

"Mum?"

The other nodded. "Ruddy hell."

Professor McGonagall frowned at the pair. As the head of Gryffindor House, the pair were her responsibility during the school year. She recognized a load of old tosh when she heard it, but this was the twins. It would probably be a good motivator for future good behavior.

She inclined her head. "I agree with Mr. Weasley."

The twins and their father gaped at the witch.

Mr. Weasley found his voice first. "You - you do?"

She nodded. "This is just the sort of thing that will look good on the boy's record." She didn't mention that with the term drawing to an end, the boys usually stepped up their pranks. This would almost guarantee a calm weekend for the other students.

Across from her, Professor Snape frowned. He hadn't bought a single word, but now, that woman was going along with the fool. She was obviously trying for as many points as possible. Dumbledore would probably award the boys points for undertaking the task.

He moved closer to Dumbledore. "Then perhaps another student or two is in order here. We wouldn't wish to have the good Mr. Weasley here being accused of nepotism now, would we?" He gave them all an oily smile. "Say, Mr. Flint and Mr. Malfoy?"

Now the twins were _really_ depressed. They were missing the best time for end of term pranks, the weekend before heading home, and now they would have to deal with Marcus and Draco.

Mr. Weasley waved his hands. "No! I mean, that won't be necessary. It's probably going to be really quite boring."

Severus glared at the man. "Is something the matter? Is there any reason they shouldn't accompany you? You _did_ say this assignment was safe."

Arthur sweated. "No one has come to any harm that we are aware of." While entirely the truth, it was, nonetheless, not the entire truth.

The potions master glared at the thin, balding man. "Then there won't be any problem taking them with you."

The twins voiced their sentiments in unison. "Ruddy hell."

Fred glanced at George. "If you're going to include a second-year, you should probably include Ron." After all, it was probably Ron's fault Mum was so mad at them, what with flying the car to school and all.

George nodded enthusiastically. "Right! And his friend Harry would probably want to go too!" The famous boy was Ron's partner in crime after all.

Professor Snape glared at the pair. Things were swinging back towards Gryffindor again.

Albus waved everyone silent before an argument broke out. "Perhaps a few more on this outing would prove beneficial. Say, Ron Weasley, Mr. Potter, and Miss Granger." Before Severus could protest, he continued. "And of course, Mr. Crabbe, Mr. Goyle, and Miss Bulstrode from Slytherin could round out the group." That balanced the two sides evenly.

Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall both considered the matter as Mr. Weasley tried to keep a straight face.

Severus spoke first. "That is - acceptable."

Minerva reluctantly agreed. "It will suffice."

The headmaster looked at Mr. Weasley. "If there are no complaints?"

He shook his head, not trusting his ability to speak.

****

Harry glanced at the group assembled in the growing gloom of evening. "What's going on?"

Mr. Weasley addressed them all. "The Japanese Ministry of Magic has a - minor - problem they have asked us to help with. I felt that it would be a excellent opportunity for students from Hogwarts to see what the Ministry deals with. After all, some of you may go on to work in the Ministry yourselves." He waited for the murmuring to die down, then continued. "We'll take a Portkey to Tokyo. I'll go over the assignments once we get there."

The group had split along house lines. On one side stood Marcus, Draco, Vincent, Gregory, and Millicent; on the other was Fred, George, Ron, Harry, and Hermione.

Harry looked puzzled. "What's a Portkey?"

Hermione ignored the sniggering from the Slytherin members. "They're objects used to transport groups of people at a preappointed time."

"Objects?" he asked curiously. "What sort of objects?"

Fred spoke up. "Oh, most anything can be used as a Portkey."

George nodded. "Usually something that the muggles wouldn't bother, like litter."

Harry was still puzzled. "There's one of these nearby?"

Hermione took over again. "There's one at Hogsmeade station... but it won't take us to Tokyo," she added quickly. "It just goes as far as London. I expect we'll take a Portkey from there to Tokyo."

Arthur nodded. "Quite right, Miss Granger." He was glad to see the girl was doing better. She had been one of the students petrified during the whole Chamber of Secrets affair.

Three stagecoaches pulled up in front of the school to take the group to Hogsmeade station. A brawl nearly broke out when it appeared that the two houses would have to share a coach. Mr. Weasley settled the argument by stating that he and Ron would share one coach with the two girls from the group. The rest of the group quickly boarded the other two - split along house membership again. Mr. Weasley sighed.

At Hogsmeade station, the group gathered around a trash can.

Mr. Weasley consulted his pocket watch. "Five minutes. Everyone needs to be touching the Portkey at the arranged time."

Everyone shifted around the trash can uneasily, eventually settling down with a hand on the rim.

Ron settled down to sighing in boredom and glaring at Draco. "Why don't students just take a Portkey to Hogwarts instead of riding the train?"

Fred and George smirked at their younger brother.

"Two reasons," Fred started. "Tradition -"

"And expedience," George finished. "Portkeys have to be set up ahead of time. You can see how many Portkeys would have to be primed to transport all the students. Besides, the train is good enough for students." He seemed to be quoting something _he_ had been told at some point.

Their father added, "This is Ministry business, so I was able to get the use of this Portkey. Besides, the train would have wasted too much time. We need to be in Tokyo and started on our business before the end of the day."

Vincent gave him a vacate stare. "Shouldn't we find lodging first?"

There were groans from those of sharper intellect.

Vincent just looked baffled. "What?"

Arthur filled in the clueless boy. "Mr. Crabbe, while it may be nine o'clock this evening when we leave London, it will be six in the morning in Tokyo. We will go to the local Ministry office for the details needed, then head straight into the field. I'm afraid it will be a rather long day for all of you."

The twins just shrugged. They would have been up late anyway setting up their pranks.

As usual, Hermione was quick to draw the obvious conclusion. "So we are to go up against trained wizards on their own home ground while groggy from lack of sleep?"

Mr. Weasley sweated and adjusted the collar of his robe. "Well, uh, if there are to be any _real_ confrontations, either myself or one of the older students will handle it."

Malfoy snorted in disgust. "With the dueling lessons we had this year, we're more than capable of handling this ourselves." He sneered at Ron. "Well, _some_ of us are."

Ron just groaned as he thought about his broken and malfunctioning wand. He didn't want to be barfing up slugs again any time soon.

Anything else was lost as a howl of wind and a swirl of colors heralded the activation of the Portkey.

****

Arthur entered the small room with an armful of manila folders. He frowned as he noticed Gregory and Vincent sleeping in their chairs. The boys jerked upright as he slammed the pile down in front of them.

"Glad to have you back with us Mr. Goyle... Mr. Crabbe." Mr. Weasley opened a folder.

Marcus looked over at the file Mr. Weasley had in his hands. His eyes bugged out slightly as he reached for the folder. "I'll take this one!"

Fred and George glanced over at the file. Each contained a glossy photo of the subject of the file. This one showed a teenage girl with long purple hair and a figure that filled out a tight, short dress to the bursting point. They were affected in a similar fashion.

Fred voiced his objection. "No fair!"

George agreed whole-heartedly. "Not a chance, Marcus! If anyone's going to handle this one, it's us!"

Arthur sighed and shook his head as the older boys fought over the folder. "_That's enough_!"

The three froze as Mr. Weasley banged a fist on the table.

Arthur held his peace a moment. He didn't want any of the older boys on this one for obvious reasons. He would prefer to have the girls handle it, but Miss Bulstrode wasn't really up to the task, and Miss Granger would be better used on one of the more difficult subjects.

"Mr. Malfoy, you and Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle will handle this girl." It was the best compromise he could come up with. Draco should be able to handle the girl, and the boys were young enough to not be swayed by physical appearance as the older boys would.

Marcus reluctantly handed Draco the folder.

Arthur passed him another folder. "Mr. Flint, you'll handle this one."

Marcus opened the folder and frowned. The photo showed an older man with glasses and a bandana tied over his head. The man was apparently an animagus as a second photo showed his animal form, that of a giant panda.

He waved the file at Mr. Weasley. "Why do I have to handle this one?"

"If you would actually read the file, you would _know_ why I picked you." He gave the boy a glare.

Marcus flinched at the glare and reopened the folder. He glanced through the file, then looked at the second photo more closely. While most folks would think a panda cute and cuddly, this one apparently had quite the mean streak. The stance of the creature together with the blurring forearm and extended claws showed the creature was in motion. The blurred partial image of a figure falling out of the frame showed that the creature had just struck someone with a vicious blow. Marcus started to rehearse some of his more offensive spells. Looking closely at the long sharp claws on the thing, he started going over some of his defensive spells as well.

He flipped back to the file. This particular wizard had a tendency to go out, get drunk, and terrorize the neighborhood in his animal form. He looked back up at Mr. Weasley. "So I'm supposed to get this wizard to register as an animagus, and place a compulsion on him to quit doing magic in front of the muggles?"

Arthur nodded. "If need be. There's a list of pubs he's known to frequent in there. You may have to check them all." He passed another folder to Hermione. "I want you and Harry to take care of this one."

Harry looked over her shoulder as the girl opened the folder. The photo showed a teenage girl; she might have been considered cute except for the expression on her face - it was twisted in extreme rage. That and the glowing mallet she held aloft gave her an air of malevolence that fairly leapt from the photo.

Mr. Weasley continued. "She's a bit shirty -"

"A _bit_ shirty?!" Ron interrupted while looking over Hermione's other shoulder at the photo. "And I suppose you'd say a howler's just a bit noisy?"

His dad sighed and continued once more. "She has that enspelled mallet and is a master of dark arts potions." At the look of shock on their faces, he nodded. "The Japanese Ministry of Magic has been right keen to find out what spell book she's been using. The last potion the girl brewed took three aurors a week to dispel."

Hermione finished reading the file. "We are to locate and confiscate that potions book and the mallet."

"Quite. I suggest you go over your disarming charm, just in case. A calming charm might also be advisable."

Ron shook his head ruefully at his friends. "Good luck. You'll be needing it I rather expect." He turned to his father. "So what do you want me to do?"

A folder hit the table in front of him. The first photo showed a little girl; the second, a buxom woman in the same dress.

Marcus glanced over and started to drool. "Oy! How is it I don't get one of the tarts?"

Arthur frowned. "That little outburst is precisely why, Mr. Flint." He turned back to Ron. "You and Miss Bulstrode will make contact with her - preferably while in her younger state."

Millicent wrinkled her nose. "This says here she's an aura leach. This could be dangerous."

Mr. Weasley gave her a placating look. "According to the Ministry, she only drains people she doesn't like."

Ron smirked. "Well then, I suppose I should stay away from Millicent when we meet up with her then."

Millicent and his dad gave him matching irritated looks.

"That's enough of that." Arthur glared at the boy. "The two of you are probably the least threatening out of the group. Just don't irritate her and you should be fine." He placed a folder in front of George and another in front of Fred. "You two will take the other - more dangerous - individuals."

George opened the folder his dad slid in front of him. The photo showed a teenaged boy with long white robes and coke bottle glasses. A second photo showed a duck wearing the same glasses. "Hmm, says here, the boy can't see for spit without his glasses. A simple charm to snatch the pair should do it."

His dad tapped the report. "_Read_ the report. Doing that would put not just you, but others around you in danger. The boy tends to lash out blindly, especially when not wearing his glasses."

Fred considered his assignment. In the photo, the boy had apparently just thrust his umbrella through a concrete wall. He skimmed the accompanying report. "He can apparate?"

Mr. Weasley nodded. "He is prone to random apparates that takes him all over Japan. The Department of Magical Transportation is quite incensed at the boy. He hasn't a license - hasn't even taken the test to anyone's knowledge." He gestured at the photo. "He also causes quite a mess wherever he goes. The Ministry here assumes the umbrella to be enspelled - quite possibly where the boy hides his wand."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione shared a quick glance. They knew Hagrid had his old wand hidden in his umbrella, so that was a fair assumption. Hagrid had been expelled from Hogwarts in his youth, and his wand broken. That he still kept his wand was one of Hogwart's worst kept secrets.

Arthur stood. "Everyone needs to take a quick look at the photos of the animal forms of the animagi. Be certain you will recognize them in case one tries to slip away unnoticed."

The students all nodded and started passing around the various photos.

"If everyone is sure of what they are supposed to be doing, we need to prepare." Mr. Weasley opened a flask that had been sitting on the table. He poured a fingers width of the liquid in each of the small glasses, then passed them around. "This was made by Professor Snape earlier today. It will allow you to understand the local language. It won't last the day, but that's long enough to do the job."

The youngsters grimaced at the smell, but quaffed the noxious potion. Their tongues burned briefly while smoke poured from their ears.

Fred turned to his father. "Fwlo dnjku brmfd joolw."

Mr. Weasley glared at his son. "That's _not_ funny, Fred."

Fred smirked. "Sorry Dad, couldn't help myself."

Mr. Weasley shook his head with a long-suffering sigh. "If you're _quite_ finished, we still have to catch the underground to Nerima. You will each be issued a bit of local currency. It is to be used _only_ in the course of the assignment, or for meals." He gestured to a pile of stones off to one side. "Everyone take one. You can use them to contact me in case of an emergency."

****

Draco, Gregory, and Vincent stood outside the Cat Cafe.

Draco consulted the file once more. "The girl is a waitress here." He gloated briefly. "We'll have our assignment wrapped up long before Potter and his ilk even locate their own targets." He closed the folder and held it under one arm, placing his other hand over the wand stuck through his belt. He jerked his head at the door. "Let's go."

Cologne glanced over from the kitchen as the boys entered. Her eyes narrowed as she took in the wands each had stuck in their belts. "So the Ministry is sending children now..." She moved the ramen to a back burner and moved to confront the boys.

"May I help you?"

The three boys turned in shock as Cologne popped up behind them. Their eyes widened as they took in the grizzled, shrunken figure holding a staff longer than it was tall. Gregory and Vincent shrank back in fear.

"_A ghoul_!!" Draco pulled his wand as he shrieked. He pointed the wand at the creature before him. "_Rictusempra Exterus_!"

A bright silver light flashed, then the ceiling exploded in a shower of plaster and splinters as Cologne casually used her staff to point his wand upward.

Draco gaped, his arm still raised with his wand pointed at the ceiling. He looked up to see the sky through the hole above him. Curiously, there was another hole nearby, and he would later swear that it was shaped like the outline of a human figure.

Cologne rapped the boy on the head to get his attention. "Such manners in children these days. I'm no ghoul, boy, merely old. Something you won't live to be if you don't think before using that little stick of yours."

Draco snarled at her, trying to cover his momentary fright as he brushed plaster from his clothes. "I don't take the advice of _crones_. Where is the girl called Shampoo?"

Cologne merely glared back. "My great-granddaughter is out on a delivery. If you wish to remain, you will have to order something."

Gregory and Vincent shared a look. "Food!"

Draco gave the pair an angry look. "We're here to do a job, not stuff ourselves."

Gregory gave him piteous look. "But, I've missed my after-dinner snack! Besides, they said we could use the money to get meals!"

Draco glanced over where Vincent was nodding in agreement. "Fine! Whatever! _I'll_ be out _front_ waiting for our target." He stomped back out the door as his teammates hurried to a table.

****

Marcus glanced down the street, then back at photo he held. It was _definitely_ the man. Marcus was not in a good mood, having spent the last hour in a fruitless search of several bars the man was known to frequent.

Genma stopped as a boy slightly younger than his son stepped in his path. "What do you want, _boy_?"

Marcus growled a little. "Don't mess with me, old man. If you know what's good for you, you'll just come along quietly." He sneered at the stocky bald man.

Genma frowned. Obviously a bill collector of some kind. He shrugged mentally. He had been dealing with people like this since before this whelp was born. He held up both hands in a placating manner. "There must be some kind of mistake. Can I see that file?" He gestured at the folder the boy held.

Marcus hesitated, then nodded stiffly. He stepped closer and held out the folder.

Genma grabbed the extended arm and heaved. The boy flew the length of the block, finally stopping when a building interrupted his path. He waited a moment to see if the boy would get back up, then raised a clenched fist in triumph. "It'll take more than a _boy_ to get money from Genma Saotome!" He walked away laughing.

****

Draco paced back and forth in front of the Cat Cafe in irritation. Where was that girl? How long could a stupid delivery take? His meditations were interrupted as a bicycle crashed down on top of him, the front tire pressing his face into the sidewalk.

Shampoo glared at the boy under her bike. "What mousse-head boy do under Shampoo bike?"

A boy in long white robes and coke bottle glasses popped up from nowhere. "Did you call me, my love?"

Shampoo glared at Mousse. "Shampoo no call Mousse. Shampoo ask what mousse-head boy do under Shampoo bike!" She back-handed the love-struck teen into the wall of the cafe. She turned her attention to the boy under her. "So, what mousse-head boy do down there?

Draco was mad enough to use a Dark curse at this point. "Get your damn bike off me!!"

Mousse wrapped the boy in chains and dragged him from under the bicycle. "How _dare_ you talk to my darling Shampoo like that!"

Shampoo knocked Mousse toward the horizon with a uppercut to the jaw. "Shampoo no need stupid Mousse help to deal with mousse - er - hair gel boy." She turned her attention back to Draco as he unwrapped the chains. "Now, what stupid hair gel boy want?"

Draco gave her a look of pure hatred. "The name's Malfoy! Draco Malfoy, _mudblood_, and you are going to do just what I say or you'll not live to regret your words."

Shampoo blink at the voice the boy used. This little pup dared threaten an Amazon? Stupid hair gel boy needed to be taught his place... hmm, hair gel boy...

Draco lost his glare as Shampoo started to smile. He took a step back as the girl went into a crouch, hands at a ready position. He didn't have time to even scream as she leapt at him.

****

Marcus saw the panda walking down the street and snarled. It had taken him another hour to track the animagus down. He'd teach the old man to attack _him_. He pulled his wand.

"_All right_! _Stop right there, you old squib_!"

Genma turned and groaned. He tried for his best innocent look as pulled out a sign. 'Who me?' He flipped it around. 'I'm just a cute little panda.'

"_Expelliarmus_!". There was a scarlet flash and Genma and the sign parted company. "I know all about your little ability. Now, we can do this the hard way, or we can do this the even harder way."

Genma thought about it. Time for a special technique. He whipped out another sign and pointed behind the boy. 'LOOK! 100 YEN!!'

Marcus turned to look where the panda pointed, then fell unconscious as the sign came down on his head.

****

Arthur met up with Draco, Gregory, and Vincent near the Cat Cafe. The boys seemed fine. "Okay, what's the problem? Why did you contact me?"

Gregory chuckled. "Ask Draco about the assignment!"

Mr. Weasley sighed. He didn't have time for this. He turned to Draco, then did a double-take. He could have sworn the boy had had his hair slicked back like normal earlier in the day; now he looked as if he'd been to a salon. He dismissed the idea with a shake. "So, Mr. Malfoy. Tell me how you are doing with Shampoo."

Draco gave him a baffled look. "Who?"

Mr. Weasley frowned. "The girl animagus you were supposed to meet here."

"What about her?"

Arthur began to be worried. "You were supposed to locate and confront Shampoo."

"Who?"

Gregory finally gave in and started laughing outright. Vincent joined him a moment later.

Arthur groaned, his hand to his forehead. "She must have used a memory charm on him." He turned to Vincent. "What happened?"

The boy shrugged. "Bloody hell if I know. We were inside having a bit of a snack."

Mr. Weasley looked nonplussed. It figured.

Gregory had taken to asking Draco about Shampoo. The pair went back and forth as Vincent laughed. The pair evidently found Mr. Malfoy's condition uproarious.

****

Hermione checked the sign on the wall surrounding the property. "This is it. The Tendo Dojo."

Harry nodded. "Right. We'd best get on with it."

The pair entered the open gates and moved to the front door of the house. Before they could knock, a voice floated down from the roof.

"Lookin' for somethin'?"

The pair jumped, then glanced up. A teenage boy with black hair pulled back into a pigtail looked over the edge of the roof.

Hermione frowned. "Why are you on the roof?"

The boy shrugged. "I come up here to think."

Hermione gave a small shriek as the boy kicked off the roof, did a flip, and landed behind them.

Ranma rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry to scare you like that. I'm a martial artist. A little fall like that couldn't hurt me none."

Hermione clutched her chest. "A _little_ fall? It must be nearly twenty feet!"

Ranma looked puzzled. "What?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Six meters. Honestly, I would think that a boy _your_ age would have at least _heard_ of English units."

Ranma laughed self-consciously. "School ain't my strong point."

Harry decided to get to the point. "We're here to see a girl named Akane Tendo. Is she here?"

Deciding the pair were a little young to be kidnappers, he nodded. "Yeah." He moved past them, open the door and moved into the entry way where he paused. "You do know the Japanese custom of removing your shoes inside, right?" As the pair nodded, Ranma gestured to the side. "Kasumi keeps a few pairs of house slippers over there for the more polite guests."

Ranma moved into the house proper. "Yo! Akane! You got folks here to see you!"

A voice came down the stairs. "You don't have to yell! I'll be down in a few minutes!"

A teenage girl stretched out on the couch holding a comic book smirked at Ranma. "Boy, Ranma. One would think you were raised in the wilds like a barbarian." She put on a fake look of shock. "Oh! That's right! You _were_!"

Ranma growled. "_Very_ funny, Nabiki."

The brown-haired girl uncurled herself from the couch and looked over the pair with him. "Adopt some munchkins, Saotome?"

Ranma glared as the pair gave her an irritated look. He suddenly thought of something. "Say! Why _are_ you here to see Akane?"

The other girl looked on curiously.

The kids looked rather nervous. The boy finally spoke.

"W - we're here for her - mallet?"

The girl nodded and added nervously, "And - her - cookbook."

Ranma gaped, then fell over laughing. Nabiki was hard-pressed to keep a straight face.

****

A shriveled up prune of a man dressed in black with a bandana tied under his nose bounced along the road carrying a sack larger than he was tall.

"What a haul! What a haul!"

A middle aged man stepped out to intercept him. "Happosai."

The little man ground to a stop and looked over his adversary. "So, the Ministry sent _another_ one after me."

The man nodded. "This has to stop. You know that."

Happosai thought about it a moment, then noticed the clamor growing behind him. He tossed a couple items toward the wizard. "Here. Gotta go!" He bounced off.

Mr. Weasley looked at the items the old man had tossed to him - a bra and couple pairs of panties. He blinked a moment, frozen, until he heard a woman's voice.

"Look! Another one!"

"Get him!!"

Arthur's eyes widened as he took in the hoard of women and girls closing on him. He looked back at the offending items in his hands, dropped them, and ran.

****

Marcus snarled as he stumbled along, rubbing his bruised head. "When I find that damn bloody git..." He broke off as he spotted the panda. He smiled - it wasn't a happy smile, but one of highly anticipated revenge. He pulled his wand out.

"GENMA SAOTOME!! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

The panda froze. That particular phrase was normally directed toward his son. He started to sweat as he saw the boy stumbling toward him, that stun stick of his in an outstretched hand. He was wondering how to deal with him this time when the situation resolved itself.

"What a haul! What a haul!" A shriveled up old man bounced by, depositing a few bras on the boy as he passed.

The boy snarled as he swatted the undergarments aside. "Now, you _die_!!"

The panda held up a sign. 'Look out behind you!'

He shook his head. "Nooooo. You're not pulling that again." He smiled as he readied a vicious curse.

Genma flipped the sign around. 'Your funeral.'

"There's another!"

"Death to the perverts!!"

Marcus glanced over his shoulder as a hoard of enraged women bore down on him. He started to whimper as they closed.

The panda flipped the sign around again. 'Told you.'

One of the women growled as she waited her turn to pummel the pervert. She glared at the panda.

Genma immediately dropped to the ground on his back and started playing with a beachball. He held up a sign. 'I'm just a cute little panda.'

****

Gregory smiled. "So, ready to go after Shampoo again?"

Draco looked baffled. "Who?"

"The witch we're supposed to find."

"What about her?"

"Are you ready to go after Shampoo again?"

"Who?"

"The witch we-"

Gregory was cut off in mid-sentence as Vincent started choking him.

****

Ron yawned as he followed Millicent and the hyper little girl pinwheeling her arms as she scooted from booth to booth. It might be morning here, but it was well past the time Ron normally turned in. He watched as the girl consumed yet another strange muggle treat. It might actually have been interesting if he wasn't so tired.

Millicent held up until Ron came up along side. "You start paying for the treats. I'm getting low on cash." She smiled sweetly at Hinako, then turned back to Ron with a grimace. "The little terror is going to pay, just as soon as she's full."

Hinako frowned at the pair and fingered her five yen coin. "What are you whispering about? Only delinquents whisper like that! You aren't delinquents, are you?"

The pair shook their heads frantically. The pair of muggers Hinako had drained earlier had left them a might leery of her aura draining ability.

Hinako smiled as she spotted another stand. "Yay! Pocky! Buy me some! Buy me some!"

Ron sighed and pulled out some of the bills he had been given at the Ministry.

****

Fred sighed as he stopped to rest. How in the world did they expect him to track down a wizard who could apparate? A voice drifted over the wall behind him. It sounded like Harry.

He moved to the gate and looked inside the compound. "Oy! Harry! Hermione!"

The pair looked over to the gate. They had just exited the dojo as Ranma gave them an impromptu tour while they waited for Akane.

Hermione was quicker to figure out which of the twins it was. "Fred! How goes your search?"

The older boy frowned. "Dreadful. I don't know how I'm going to find the blighter in the time we have available."

Ranma looked over curiously. "Who are you looking for?"

Fred showed him the picture.

Ranma's eyes widened. "Ryoga?" He started to smile. "No guarantees, but I think I can get him for you."

Fred looked surprised. "And just how are you going to do that?"

Ranma smirked, then turned to the house. "HEY AKANE! THERE'S A COUPLE A MILITARY SCIENTISTS HERE! THEY WANT THAT BREAKFAST YOU PREPARED FOR THEIR BIOWEAPONS RESEARCH!!"

A wooden wash bucket struck Ranma in the forehead as Akane yelled out the window. "RANMA, YOU JERK!!"

Fred, Harry, and Hermione stared incredulously at the boy.

Hermione gave him an irritated look. "And what _exactly_ was that supposed to prove?"

Ranma put his hands behind his back and rocked back and forth on his heals. "Wait for it."

A shadow covered the pig-tailed boy as Ryoga fell from the sky. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT AKANE LIKE THAT! PREPARE TO DIE, RANMA!!"

Ranma leapt to the side as Ryoga caved in the ground where Ranma had stood. "Yo! P-chan! How's it goin', man?"

Ryoga growled. "Who's P-chan?!" He swung his umbrella at his nemesis. Ranma fluidly dodged the blows.

The three visitors gaped. Where had the teenager come from?

Fred whispered to the other two. "Ryoga seems to have a spell set to allow him to apparate to anywhere this Ranma is if he insults his girlfriend."

Hermione nodded as Harry just watched the fight, such as it was. Ryoga was rage personified, but none of his blows ever connected. Ranma looked as if he were made of rubber as he twisted and bent and jumped, avoiding the punches and kicks thrown his way.

The fight seemed like it might continue indefinitely, until someone else ended it. Akane charged from the house, mallet held high.

"RANMA, YOU IDIOT!! QUIT PICKING ON RYOGA!" A swing of the mallet left Ranma lying in a small crater.

The three guests cringed away from the enraged girl as Akane noticed them.

As if a switch had been thrown, Akane changed from demonically possessed to saintly. She smiled sweetly at the two younger ones. "I believe you came to see me?" She glanced at the older boy. He appeared to be slighter younger than herself, Ranma, or Ryoga. "Did you come here to meet someone too?"

Ranma appeared over her shoulder. "He's here to see P-chan."

The demon reared it's head as Akane back-handed Ranma. "Shut up, Ranma!"

The three sweated.

Akane smiled again. "So what did you want to see me about?"

Harry looked at Hermione, Hermione looked at Fred, and Fred looked at Harry.

They were saved from having to answer as a bucket of water cascaded over Ranma. The three gaped as Ranma was now a shorter, busty, red-headed girl.

"SWEETO!!" Happosai latched onto Ranma's chest.

Ranma turned red with rage. "YOU LITTLE PERVERT!! I'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG!!" She struggled to pull the ghoulish figure from her bosom.

Ryoga smirked at her discomfort. "Serves you right, Ranma! You should treat Akane better!"

They could only gape as Ranma finally got a hold of the squirming figure, then punted it into the sky.

Hermione pointed a shaky finger at her. "Y - y - you're a girl!"

Ranma swung around. "I'M A GUY, DAMMIT!!" Then she noticed the little girl cringing away. She immediately backed off, her anger dissipating. "Sorry about that. Didn't mean to yell at you; it's just a sore point with me. Happosai's _always_ changing me into a girl so he can get a grope."

Fred finally got his wits back. "You mean that little guy transfigures you into a girl so he can molest you? Frequently?!"

Ranma had no idea what transfigure meant, but he thought they had the gist of it and nodded. "Yeah. The old pervert actually invented a style of martial arts aimed strictly towards stealing women's underwear and groping them."

Hermione had never heard of anything more hideous. "That's _horrible_!"

Ranma grimaced and nodded. "At least you ain't got nothing to worry about."

Hermione took a moment to sort out that comment. "_What_?!"

Akane struck Ranma with an elbow to the head. "Jerk! Can't you go two minutes without insulting someone?!"

Ranma jerked her head back and forth, looking between the older and younger girls. "What?! I was just pointing out - oh, _never mind_!" She stomped back into the house, headed for the kitchen.

Harry watched Ranma walk off. "Where is she - uh - _he_ going?"

Akane thought about it a second. Ranma probably didn't want her talking about the curse, even if they had seen it. "Uh, he went to get something from the kitchen to change back."

Hermione nodded. "If this Happosai is always changing Ranma like that, I can image you keep some Mandrake Restorative Draft on hand."

Akane blinked. "Uh, yeah."

Harry, Hermione, and Fred shared a glance. It wasn't a wonder the Ministry of Magic in Japan had such an interest in this area. Unregistered animagi, enspelled weapons, wizards running around transfiguring muggles - what was next?

A tall man with long hair and a mustache and dressed in a gi popped up behind Hermione. She jumped as he placed a hand on her shoulder. He smiled. "Sorry if I startled you."

Hermione got her breath back. "No, it's okay."

The man quit smiling. "You aren't another of Ranma's fiancées, are you?"

Hermione blushed and shook her head. "Of course not! Just what do you mean by _another_?"

Nabiki smirked and held out a hand. "1000 yen."

"Nabiki!" Akane frowned at her older sister. She gave Hermione an apologetic look. "Sorry. She's always trying to make a yen off other people." She put her hands on her hips and growled. "Mr. Saotome had a tendency to engage Ranma to various girls in return for food or money." She thought about it a moment. "At least, it's been girls so far, but knowing Ranma's father, it wouldn't surprise me if he engaged Ranma to a boy or two as well."

Harry boggled. "You're kidding, right?"

Ranma came out, running a towel over his head. "Unfortunately, no." He hooked a thumb a Akane. "The Tendo's is the oldest arrangement Pop made -"

"That we know of." Nabiki broke in.

Mr. Tendo frowned. "None of the others matter. The schools _must_ be joined!"

"Schools?" Harry turned his attention to the older man.

He nodded. "The Tendo School of Indiscriminate Grappling and the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling. Genma and I swore on the families' honor that the schools would one day be joined in marriage." Tears ran down the man's cheeks as he held a clenched fist aloft.

"So if you aren't another fiancée, why _are_ you here?" Akane gave them the evil eye. "You aren't magic users from a foreign country here to make trouble for me, are you? Because I am _reaaaallllllly_ getting tired of that." She started tapping her mallet against her palm as a battle aura sprang up around her.

Hermione clutched Harry as the pair cringed away from the scary figure.

****

"Yoo hoo! Wakey wakey!"

Ron slowly opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed was Hinako leaning over, practically in his face. The second thing he noticed was that he was presently cuddled up against Millicent on the park bench.

Millicent awoke in the same circumstance.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

The pair were at opposite ends of the bench in an instant. Ron clutched his chest in terror. He gave Millicent a shaky look. "This never happened."

The pale girl nodded frantically. "Agreed."

Hinako smiled. "You looked so cuuuute." She whipped a photo from out of nowhere showing the pair cuddled up, fast asleep. "So I had a picture took!"

"_NO_!!" Millicent dived at the little girl. "_Give it here_! _I can't afford to have anyone see that picture_!!"

Ron sat on the bench looking ill.

****

A giant panda entered the Tendo home carrying a mangled body.

Kasumi broke off from where she was serving tea to their guests. She had noticed how nervous the group seemed when confronted by her little sister, so she had insisted everyone take a break for lunch and some tea. They had been only too happy to agree.

"What happened to Ranma?" The oldest Tendo girl was quite concerned.

The panda held up a sign. 'This isn't Ranma.'

Kasumi looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, but when you come back carrying a person that badly mangled, it's normally Ranma."

The three kids at the table started to sweat.

Ranma wandered in from outside. "Hey Pop. What, you drop a trainin' dummy in a thresher?"

The panda dropped the body on the floor and entered the kitchen. Mr. Saotome exited, straightening his clothes. "Don't know who the boy is. Kept running into him all over town. The Master finally dumped a few bras on him as he passed."

"Oooooooooooooh." The Nerima residents voiced their understanding.

The three guests were completely baffled.

"What has that to do with his condition?" The older boy asked.

Ranma clued them in. "Happosai nearly always has a hoard of enraged women right behind him trying to get back their stolen underwear, _and_ exact a little revenge."

"Oooooooooooooh." The three guests now understood.

Ranma nodded. "Exactly." He turned the body over with his foot. "So who's the poor sap?"

"_It's Marcus_!!" Fred stared bug-eyed at his rival from Slytherin.

Harry and Hermione looked equally shocked.

"Will - will he be all right?" Hermione at least seemed concerned.

Kasumi smiled sweetly as she straightened out the dislocated limbs. "Oh yes! This happens to Ranma all the time!"

Harry, Hermione, and Fred sat in complete disbelief. Tea. Yes, tea would definitely be good at this point.

****

George entered the Cat Cafe with a petrified duck under his arm. He paused a moment then recognized the man sitting at one of the tables. "Dad!"

Mr. Weasley looked over toward the door, then waved the boy over. "I see you found Mousse."

George nodded as he placed the stiff form on the table. "After he changed forms to try to escape, a full Body-Bind took him right out."

Arthur nodded at the boy's resourcefulness. "Good job, Son." He gestured at the tiny, gnarled figure opposite him at the table. "This is Elder Cologne of the Chinese Amazons. We've been having the most fascinating talk."

George glanced around, noticing Draco, Gregory, and Vincent asleep at a table in the corner.

Cologne nodded in greeting. "There is apparently some form of misunderstanding concerning events in Nerima."

George looked skeptical. "Misunderstanding?" He gestured at the duck. "He attacked me with enspelled weapons, then changed forms to escape when he failed to penetrate my shield spell."

Cologne splashed the duck with a kettle.

George stared as the duck changed back to the teen he had been fighting. "What was in that?"

Cologne chuckled. "One of the most ancient of all liquids - hot water."

George gaped as his dad tried to stifle a laugh.

Mr. Weasley decided to let him in on the joke. "This is a Jusenkyo curse. The victim assumes the cursed form when splashed with cold water, and resumes their normal form with hot water."

George snapped his fingers. "The fire hydrant he broke when he attacked me!"

Cologne nodded. "Yes, boy. The water changed him into a duck, thus giving you the edge in your fight."

He still wasn't quite convinced. "But the weapons -"

"An old Amazon martial arts technique. I can assure you, there was no magic involved. Any 'muggle,' as you so quaintly refer to us normal people, could learn to do the same with enough training." Cologne gave him a look that told him to just leave it be.

George finally sighed and slumped in his chair. "You think the Ministry will believe any of this?"

His dad shrugged. "Not my place to say. My only concern here is to file an updated report based on our findings. The Japanese Ministry can then decide if further intervention is warranted."

Cologne gave them a smile - at least, they _thought_ it was a smile. "I certainly hope they do. These forays of theirs have been _most_ entertaining." She began to laugh. The sound caused they two men to shiver.

Arthur stood. "Come on, George. We need to gather the others and head back to the Ministry." He walked over to the table in the corner and woke the three sleeping boys.

The group left the Cat Cafe and headed toward the Tendo dojo. They would probably find Harry and Hermione there. They had only gone about half way when they saw Harry, Hermione, and Fred running toward them. The reason for their hurry was evident - a teenage girl with short black hair chased the pair down the street. She was glowing and swinging a large mallet over her head.

"COME BACK HERE! NO ONE INSULTS MY COOKING!!"

Mr. Weasley sighed and brandished his wand. "_Petrificus Totallus_!"

The girl froze in mid-step, then toppled over, mallet still held over her head, and her face twisted in anger.

A boy with black hair tied into pig-tail appeared next to the girl. "Sorry about that. She's a bit touchy about her cooking."

Hermione stood panting, then gave him a glare. "A _bit_?! You might have warned us, you know."

Ranma shrugged and threw the girl over his shoulder with little apparent effort. "It was worth a shot. Maybe you coulda done somethin'."

Harry laughed. "We're wizards, not miracle workers."

Ranma smiled, then leapt to the closest rooftop. The assembled group gaped as the boy leapt from roof to roof, quickly disappearing.

Fred slowly shook his head. "Well, that was a complete bust."

George moved over by his twin. "I got my target. How about you?"

"He apparated away before I could even speak with him."

Their father looked around. "Anyone seen Marcus?"

Fred started. "He's back at the Tendo place! He sort of ran afoul of a group of outraged women chasing someone named Happosai."

Arthur nodded. "Well, then we just need to round up Ron and Millicent and we can leave."

Hermione pointed into the park they were passing. "There they are!" She put her hands on her hips and glared. "_We_ get chased all over Nerima while they play in the park! Ooooo, I'm really going to give Ron a piece of my mind!"

Ron and Millicent finally managed to retrieve the photos Hinako had had taken of the pair sleeping together - all one hundred of them. Exhausted by their little "game," they stumbled out of the park, not noticing the others until they practically ran into them.

Ron started. "Oh! Hey guys. How'd it go?"

Hermione grabbed an ear and dragged him off to the side.

"Oy! Hey! Let go! Geroff! That hurts!"

The group continued on toward the Tendo compound

****

The five Gryffindor students stumbled through the halls toward their quarters.

Ron yawned. "There's a lesson to be had here, but I'm too bloody tired to think of what it could be."

Harry yawned and volunteered his assessment. "Don't jump to conclusions?"

Hermione thought about it. "Some things can't be handled, even with magic?"

Ron offered his own thought after a long pause. "Don't work for the Ministry?"

Fred and George shared a glance. "No. It's _don't piss off Mum_!"

_The End_

More Author's Notes: The Rictusempra Exterus I made up myself and is just a stronger version of the Rictusempra. This is a one-shot, but I might do another one later covering another expedition to Nerima. One comment I got from my pre-reader was that the Japanese Ministry should really have been able to handle it. Probably, but that's the way it goes in books and movies - when you want something done right, you either need to send in a rag-tag group of kids, or James Bond. Obviously, kids are more cost-effective. 


End file.
